Is It Finally Time For Our Glorious Conquest Of Canada To Begin?

Not long after Justin Trudeau became the prime minister of Canada in 2015, he made a big announcement. Without any prompting, Trudeau said something no other Canadian prime minister has ever said. He declared that Canada, as a nation, doesn’t really exist. He came out and casually admitted something Americans have known for a long time, which is that Canada is a fake country.

Speaking to a reporter with The New York Times, Trudeau explained that, “There is no core identity, no mainstream in Canada. There are shared values … Those qualities are what make us the first postnational state.”

Yes, Canada is a “postnational state” with no “core identity.” That’s what he said. No wonder this guy is being forced to resign.

Of course, no one paid any attention to Trudeau’s comments at the time, because no one ever pays any attention to what’s happening in Canada. Nobody stepped up to offer Canadians a “nation” that they can call home. No one suggested that Canadians could indeed have a “core identity,” just like the rest of the world. Instead, we allowed our neighbors to the north to wallow in their own self-pity and apparent non-existence. Their identity crisis festered. As a result, after a decade of self-loathing, Canada is now predictably falling apart. Justin Trudeau has resigned, parliament has been suspended, and their whole government has basically collapsed. Canada is sputtering along, barely staying alive in the cold, like a stray cat that everyone ignores.

But there is some good news for Canadians. Finally, at long last, against all odds, they may soon have a “nation” to call their own. They may find the “core identity” that they’ve been seeking for so long.

Admittedly, this development will come with some trade-offs. Canadians will probably lose the right to vote. And they may have to start working jobs they don’t like — and which may not pay them anything. And we still won’t take them seriously. But none of that’s important right now, because the key point is that Canadians could soon become Americans — or at least, they could soon become vassals of Americans.

Here’s Donald Trump’s olive branch to the oppressed people of Canada from yesterday’s press conference, in case you missed it:

Trump went on to explain all of the obvious arguments in support of annexing Canada. We provide them military support — worth hundreds of millions of dollars — and they reward us with an import tax on dairy products that goes as high as 270%. They’re supposedly good at hockey, but they haven’t won a Stanley Cup since 1993. They also don’t believe in free speech, to the point that they freeze the bank accounts of political dissidents. If we were talking about a Middle Eastern country, we would have already invaded by now — or at least launched some rockets.

But as you heard, Trump doesn’t plan on doing any of that with Canada. The plan right now is a humanitarian, economic takeover. That’s why, after the press conference, Trump posted these upbeat images of a unified North America, with Canada and the United States combined:

As you can see, once you get rid of the imaginary line between Canada and the United States, the whole continent looks a lot cleaner. It’s obviously the way it’s supposed to be.

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But pretty much every Canadian politician disagrees, apparently. And in voicing their outrage, they’ve only made the whole situation even more entertaining (and more pathetic for Canada). Here for example is someone using the name “Jagmeet Singh.” At one point he was supposed to be the Canadian incarnation of Barack Obama. And last night he uploaded this video threatening the United States. Watch:

This was the sentiment all over Canada. Even the conservatives were talking like this, although they were a bit less aggressive. It’s all extremely difficult to understand, frankly. They’re just assuming that being conquered is automatically a bad thing. I mean, they’re complaining about our plans to conquer them and yet they haven’t even seen the labor camps we’ve built for them. They’re really spacious — very comfortable by labor camp standards. You’ll even get one whole meal a day, except on weekdays obviously. And yet they still whine. It’s yet more evidence that we’re dealing with ungrateful brats.

Just to underscore the power dynamic here — Canada’s dollar is worth about seventy cents right now. The government is issuing emergency payments to around a third of the population so that people can afford groceries. But Jagmeet Singh wants us to believe that Canada has economic leverage over the United States. They’re going to raise the import tax on milk another 100%, I guess. They’ll shut off our supply of maple syrup. They’ll play hockey even worse.

Not to be outdone, an even less popular politician in Canada — Elizabeth May of “The Green Party” — proposed a counter-offer to Donald Trump. She suggested that Canada might take California, Washington and Oregon from the United States, which apparently is supposed to be some kind of threat. Watch:

So the pitch to people in California, Washington and Oregon is that, if they join Canada, they can get some Canadian healthcare. Now, I’ve ragged on those states quite a bit over the years. They’re all terribly run. They’re all over-taxed. They’re all examples of the worst excesses of Left-wing ideology. But even with all of that in mind, I’ve never wished Canadian healthcare on anyone living in those states. I don’t want to see them put to death whenever they get a headache, or feel a little depressed. But apparently Elizabeth May sees things differently.

And she seems serious enough about the offer. And, admittedly, a lot of people in those states may be on board with the idea. So let’s compromise. How about this: We’ll send you the people in all of those states, but we’re keeping the land. That seems like the definition of a win-win.

If you know anything about Elizabeth May, it’s an offer she’ll probably accept, because she’s a raging alcoholic who’s also completely incompetent. She’s most famous in Canada for getting so intoxicated during a speech a few years ago that her own staff had to lead her off-stage, as she started playing music from her phone and praising war criminals. Here’s the end of that speech:

The person she mentioned at the end of her speech is a terrorist who pleaded guilty to murdering a U.S. soldier. And that woman went on to lead the Canadian Green Party. So that’s the caliber of Canadian politicians that we’re dealing with here. All we have to do is get them drunk — or, more accurately, wait a few minutes until they get drunk — and then we can do whatever we want in these negotiations.

For what it’s worth, Elizabeth May wasn’t the only Canadian politician to come up with a counter-offer. Ontario’s governor, Doug Ford, is also in the “bargaining” stage of grief. Watch:

 

Again, there seems to be a fundamental misunderstanding here. No one is offering to “buy” Canada. Trump is proposing that we take it. But Doug Ford seems to think that we’re haggling over prices here. And he also seems to think Canada can afford to buy a U.S. state, which is more than a little suspect.

At the same time, as amusing as the idea of taking over Canada is, the plan that Trump is floating for other parts of the North American continent is, I think, a bit more serious with some very real economic and strategic implications. The main benefit of conquering Canada is that it would be really funny. It would be the first conquest in history launched primarily as a joke. But the idea that we should buy Greenland and take over the Panama Canal — while also being kind of funny — is still very serious. At one point during the press conference, Trump was asked to rule out the use of military force to take Greenland and the Panama Canal, and he refused. Watch:

This answer caused a lot of wailing on the internet, but it’s the right answer. There’s no reason for us to rule out anything at this point, especially when our national security is implicated. It also puts you in a much stronger bargaining position if you don’t show your cards ahead of time. If we take over Greenland, we’d gain an ideal position for shooting down missiles from countries like China, Russia and North Korea. We’d also gain access to rare earth minerals that are useful for various military technologies, batteries and so on. Greenland is a massive piece of land on our continent that has basically nobody living on it. The actual population is about 56,000, which, to put that into perspective, is significantly less than the average capacity of a professional football stadium. Why shouldn’t we at least discuss the possibility of acquiring it?

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And of course, the Panama Canal would give us control over one of the most important shipping lanes in the world. We’d have more opportunities to limit China’s advancement in our hemisphere, as well.Whatever you think about these ideas, they make a lot more sense than fighting proxy wars in Eastern Europe or the Middle East. The Panama Canal and Greenland are on our continent. They’re in our backyard. What happens there affects us a lot more than a border dispute 6,000 miles away.

And in case you needed another reason to support Trump’s proposals, take a look at CNN’s reaction to the press conference. Their jaws were on the floor. Watch:

 

As a general rule, the more enraged CNN becomes, the more you know you’re on the right track. And by that metric, we should take Greenland, the Panama Canal, and all of Canada immediately.

It’s not just about the well-documented economic and strategic benefits. There’s another important reason to follow through with this — which is that it signals our direction as a nation. A country that grows and acquires new land and pursues new opportunities is a living, thriving country. It’s a sign of a nation on the rise, rather than a nation on the decline.

Americans once pursued their manifest destiny into the wilderness and all the way to the pacific ocean. That’s how our country took its current shape. But most of that happened in the 19th century. In the 20th century, the drive to reach out into the unknown took the form of the space program and brought us all the way to the moon. Since then however, we’ve been in stasis, jogging in place. Liberal imperialism took over, as we tried to export liberal values to far flung corners of the world, attempting to impose them on people and cultures that had no interest in them, and never will. That was and still is a disaster. That’s not the kind of expansion we should pursue. But claiming new land on our own continent, in our own part of the world, for our own interests, to help our own country and our own people — that is an idea worth considering.

That’s also why Trump proposed changing the name of the “Gulf of Mexico” to the “Gulf of America” yesterday. It’s a proposal that would be unthinkable in Canada, where they’re busy apologizing for their own existence. But in a country that’s proud of its history, and that has a plan for the future, it makes sense. In fact, as I suggested yesterday, we should think about renaming the Moon to “the Moon of America.” It is ours, after all. We put our flag on it.

So where do we go from here? Will Greenland and the Panama Canal soon belong to us? Will Canada do the right thing, and submit to rule by the United States? Will they affirm their own potential for greatness, by being our serfs? Probably not. But you never know.

The feeling we have now is the feeling that a great country should have. A feeling that says: anything is possible.

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