My Predictions For 2025
Happy New Year. It’s January, 2025, the beginning of the second quarter of the 21st century and the end of all your resolutions as you slowly sink back into a pear-shaped blob careening into oblivion like George Clooney in “Gravity” but without the paycheck.
So after you’ve canceled that gym membership and put all your new workout gear on eBay, let’s gather together around the crystal ball of the imagination while I pretend to gaze into the future so I can make ridiculous predictions that I hope you’ll forget by the time I get around to claiming I was right about everything.
In politics, I predict that Donald Trump will take office January 20, and on Day One, he’ll reduce corruption in government eighty percent by not being Joe Biden. I predict that on Day One, Trump will issue a blanket pardon of half the J6 demonstrators. The other half, who are undercover FBI agents, will be put in prison where they belong. And I predict that on Day One, Trump will issue a declaration that there are only two genders, and that men are the ones with testicles, unless they’re Republicans in the House of Representatives.
In journalism, I predict ABC will fire George Stephanopoulos for intimidating women into silence until they realize that’s why they hired him in the first place, then he’ll be rehired and assigned to “The View.” I predict that CNN will double its viewership when an old man in Milwaukee forgets how to use his remote. And I predict that the New York Times will save space by publishing nothing but Trump emojis followed by crap emojis followed by crying emojis, until the paper is so simplistic and repetitive it can be written by A.I. but without the I, so it’s just A, as in “A, this paper sucks, cancel my subscription.”
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In the culture, I predict the Disney company will hire an armed security force to hunt down every last person who still occasionally feels inspired or delighted or even mildly entertained by a “Star Wars” movie and compel them to watch movies with unattractive lesbians in baggy clothes having totally absurd sword fights until the viewers confess there is no such thing as a god-like Force or Jedis or manhood and that everything is meaningless and they’re sorry they ever liked “Star Wars” in the first place and we should all just die.
I predict that a starlet will show up at a French film festival wearing a completely transparent dress, and a news site will describe the outfit as “shocking” even though no one is shocked or even particularly interested.
I predict June will be gay pride month, yet, in a stunning paradox, the entire month will pass without a single person feeling proud of being gay, although there will be a general sense of relief when it’s finally July and we can just drop the entire subject which has been making everyone feel oppressively uncomfortable.
Finally, I predict that in December, a pear-shaped man will go on eBay to buy some good-as-new workout gear and discover he has sent his money to himself and now has to dig the gear out of the closet and mail it to himself so he can put it on eBay.
Those are my 2025 predictions.
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This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is the bestselling author of the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fourth installment, “A WOMAN UNDERGROUND,” is now available. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.