Trump Signs Radical Executive Order Declaring There Are Only Two Genders
President Donald Trump, who’s the president now while also being Donald Trump so that Donald Trump is president again and is therefore President Donald Trump… sorry, I just enjoy saying that.
Where was I?
Oh yeah. President Donald Trump has signed an executive order declaring that human beings come in only two genders, male and female, and that other genders and their silly pronouns not to mention their bizarre hairstyles and nose rings will henceforth be permanently consigned to the twilight zone of the imagination along with Unicorns, Ents, successful socialist economies, those cute furry creatures from one of the old Star Wars movies though I forget which one, and Heffalumps, who are not only imaginary themselves but the imaginary creations of Winnie the Pooh, who is also imaginary, though admittedly adorable especially that time he ate too much honey and got stuck in Rabbit’s front door and had to be pulled and pushed until he popped free of the door and immediately got stuck in a tree where there was a bee’s nest with even more honey, so it all worked out for the best.
President Trump signed the order to restore reality on his first day in office during which he also funded a new A.I. scheme to cure cancer, freed unfairly over-sentenced January 6 kerfufflers, cut anti-business regulations, ended not only racist DEI policies but also just-as-racist Affirmative Action initiatives from way back in LBJ days, held a rally, learned to speak six foreign languages to facilitate international negotiations, passed the private pilot’s exam, played Frisbee with Melania’s Lee Van Cleef hat, danced that little dance of his, and established an oppressive fascist regime in the minds of New York Times editors where there are also Heffalumps and people who can change their gender.
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The Executive Order restoring reality sent shock waves through the National Cathedral and Bath House, where the Right Reverend Lesbian Mariann Budde, Episcopal Bishop and Priestess of Baphomet, but I repeat myself, delivered a fiery sermon to President Trump and many other people who also weren’t listening.
The professional lesbian and sometime bishop said: “The Bible is clear. Deuteronomy declares that, ‘A woman shall not wear a man’s apparel, nor shall a man put on a woman’s garment; for whoever does such things is abhorrent to the Lord your God,’ and when you combine that commandment with the fact that God made both men and women in his own image, it’s clear that God is a self-hating transgender person who only needs acceptance and love so he can finally break free and reject God’s word entirely so he can become an Episcopalian himself. I therefore ask President Trump to have mercy, not only on people who have changed their sex, but on Heffalumps and lovable imaginary bears as well as those cute, furry creatures from one of the early Star Wars movies, though I forget which one. And also have mercy on those who wash the dishes after we eat in restaurants, like that terrific Lebanese place where, okay, the busboys may not have legal status but at least they support the Palestinian cause with such fervor that they’d be willing to slip into complete undocumented anonymity and slaughter Americans at will until the U.S. agrees to eradicate the Jewish race in order to stop genocide, though of course they can only do that after clearing our dishes away because listen, when I’m paying those sorts of prices for a meal, I don’t want to sit around with dirty dishes while I’m chatting up some delicious young babe before inviting her home to see my collection of hand carved sex toys as the Bible recommends once you translate the Hebrew into Episcopalian.”
Lesbian Bishop Budde then demanded that President Trump restore the high places of child sacrifice and the groves and altars of Baal, whereupon she suddenly grew to the size of Ursula the Sea Witch in the last reel of the The Little Mermaid and her demonic laughter echoed off the cathedral ceiling before she was engulfed in supernatural flames and slowly sank into billowing sulfur fumes that obscured a rift in the surface of the earth leading down into eternal darkness. In keeping with the Episcopal liturgy.
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This excerpt is taken from the opening satirical monologue of “The Andrew Klavan Show.”
Andrew Klavan is the host of “The Andrew Klavan Show” at The Daily Wire. He is the bestselling author of the Cameron Winter Mystery series. The fourth installment, “A WOMAN UNDERGROUND,” is now available. Follow him on X: @andrewklavan
The views expressed in this satirical article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of The Daily Wire.
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